Back in April, one of my best friends from college shared a post on Facebook:

On first glance, though, readers may find this post as senseless, harsh, frustrating, cold and possibly inaccurate (which, in certain respects, it is). It, of course, also has that link opening to a Navajo & Hopi Families COVID-19 Relief Fund Kickstarter page, so it’s not completely heartless. If you’re able to give, click that link and give.

The roles of mother/wife and father/husband has been morphed into a topic of debate over the last several years, especially when it comes to pay and gender equality. Women can be CEOS and business owners; women can be governors and Speakers of the House; women can go dominate at a world cup. More and more today, we’re seeing both the mother and father work full time careers while raising a family (in many cases, part of this is due to high living costs).

But during a critical time in our nation’s history where so many people are losing their jobs at near Great Depression rates–where local, state and federal government and business entities push to limit the spread of COVID-19–as the great majority of the economy very literally shut down, leaving essential businesses like grocery stores and pharmacies to remain open. This has left couples and families scrambling over finances, new lifestyle changes and uncertain futures.

In going from the breadwinner to suddenly becoming the stay-at-home dad–with potential employers freezing their hiring process to prevent the pandemic from spreading–this post from a such an amazing friend certainly struck the wrong cord at the wrong time. It seems to claim that it was karma, that I deserved to be in this position because of some inconsideration I exercised towards women, specifically my wife.

Fortunately, that chord was easily tuned to the right key.

I’ve been working the stay-at-home dad beat for three months now, and I’ve noticed at least three things–from a male/husband/father perspective–that have occurred that I think everyone needs to address and understand during this critical period.

Revelation

In our particular case, I lost my job while my wife continued to work. We have 16 month-old son whom she used to take with her. However, the micro-preemie status at his birth just over a year ago has left his immune system is compromised. So, during the pandemic, I am staying home with our son while mom goes to work.

Before I continue, I think one thing needs to be clarified: not all males are ignorant to the hard work that wives/mothers perform at home (though I’m sure there are those who are clueless, ignorant or insensitive to not acknowledge or recognize it). As a former child, I’ve seen with my own two eyes the stress and effort it takes to raise a kid. I saw my mother do it with a family of four boys. And yes, we were little spawns of Satan. You know why? Because we were boys. So going into the new routine, I was never ignorant of the challenge(s) ahead.

Clear? Ok. Let’s continue.

In transitioning to stay-at-home dad, you will experience one of two possible revelations:

You may discover that you have a real knack for it, really truly enjoy it, and have no qualms about possibly not returning to full time employment if circumstances allow.

Or, you’ll have a more in-depth experience in understanding how incredibly difficult and challenging caring for a child AND managing a home can really be.

Either way, you experience a revelation that’ll change you forever.

Depression

Whether it was a job you loved doing or one that challenged your quality of life, losing your job–your livelihood–is a traumatic experience. Some may feel absolutely devastated when they’re let go, while others may feel a sense of relief and some optimism for the future challenges, which is replaced by the dread of scrambling and searching for a new job, the stress of getting the resume, cover letter and portfolio as up-to-date and perfect as possible, tweaking them with every rejection your receive, calling businesses all around you only to learn that they aren’t currently hiring, all while caring for your kid(s), managing your home, and watching others begin a new job. This roller coaster of emotions can, ultimately, lead to symptoms of depression.

Like trauma, depression can come in many different forms and display many different symptoms: agitation, heightened anxiety or anger, mood swings, food disorders, intense sadness, drug or alcohol abuse. The shutdowns, layoffs and restrictions stemming from the coronavirus outbreak has put thousands of people at greater risk of experiencing depression and–in my own humble opinion–it’s even more dangerous as seeking treatment has been limited to online. The mental health field has only recently started implementing online therapy and mental health counseling into its services, and many mental health professionals are more reluctant to do so due to HIPPA compliance and state regulations, as well as ongoing concerns about online security. Those concerns were made even more concerning when HIPPA compliance and state regulations for online therapy were suspended in order to shift all sessions online. This, of course, was followed by a major hack into Zoom conferences that included therapy sessions.

For those who were already receiving treatment for depression or other mental health issues and have had to suspend their sessions due to financial constraints or lack of confidence in the online sessions option–or both–coping with the sudden transition from career breadwinner to stay-at-home person is a real challenge, as you’re left fighting an enemy that you’ve needed professional help fighting. It’s an enemy that’s constantly fueled–by the circumstances, by the chaos at home, by the rejection letters or notices of canceling vacant positions, by the perceived views or expectations of others–and becomes an endless battle with yourself

Fortunately, even if your regular counseling sessions are suspended, you have all the opportunity you need to at the very least gain the upper hand of that battle, and keep it. The simplest way of doing so is to keep a healthy lifestyle: exercise, eat right, stay hydrated, don’t barricade yourself in solitude and keep the drinking and new HBO Max binging to a minimum. If you have a home gym and exercise equipment, great. Working out as been proven to release stress. If not, go outside. Jog through your neighborhood, jog through areas in your community you’ve never visited before, walk the nature trails. If there’s one positive we can take from this pandemic in the U.S., it’s that it hit us at Spring time.

Also keep in mind: if you’re father now in a situation where your partner has suddenly taken the reigns of being the breadwinner, it’s not just you feeling worse. While you may be struggling with the reality that you’re now under stay-at-home daddy status and prospects are super slim, mom is probably struggling with that reality as she may miss out on critical milestones. As mentioned before, our boy was a micro-preemie, so just about every new development is a milestone, even 17 months later.

She may also may be experiencing a sense of being robbed. I learned of this possibility simply by doing: as you prep and cook dinner, she’s wishing she can be there to prep and cook dinner; as you’re doing dishes or laundry, or cleaning the errands or meeting with the child’s doctors and specialists (via Microsoft Teams currently), she wishes she were there with you to help clean, cook, or knock out errands.

Even a layoff under normal circumstances (i.e. NOT during the plague) doesn’t just affect you. It affects you wife, your children, your family and friends in one way or other.

Opportunity

If you’re like me, you completely pimped out your cubicle or workspace at the office with photos and mementos of your growing family, and you looked to those photos during the day and wished with your whole heart that you were with them at that very moment–to be a part of and experience the exploration of new experiences every day with your kid(s).

Be careful of what you wish for.

One of the first things career coaches and advisors will say in the light of job loss is to put a positive spin on it; to see it as a great opportunity to reassess your career path, interests and passions, to relax and try new things, reconnect with the world and the important people around you. At first, it may seem like a preachy proposition from people on the outside who have no idea what you’re going through.

But just because it’s preachy doesn’t make it any less right. Here are some things I myself, at least, am doing to make the most of this extended time off:

Yes, reassess your career: It could be one of a million different reasons as to why you’re in the predicament you’re in now. Perhaps your employer was forced into budget cuts; a small error in your work defaced the integrity of your office; a co-worker or your even your own supervisor was not a fan of your work or you and wanted you out; your company wanted to hire someone cheaper.

Seriously, a million possible reasons.

Whether you’re heartbroken, infuriated or relieved at this new chapter in your life, what should help calm the emotions that are in overdrive is that very notion that this is a new and exciting chapter in your life.

Now is the time to truly focus on you: to weigh your different options, reevaluate your goals and aspirations for both your career and the life you want to live. Whether you’re more keen on remaining in your industry or considering a career switch, taking this time to meditate on it is incredibly important and healthy. I could be a simple answer or it may take a great amount of time dedicated to consideration and receiving the feedback people whose opinion you value: family, close friends, and professional connections. You may continue to pursue opportunities in the industry you left or make the big switch entirely. The choice is yours, but you need to take advantage of this time to make the right decision.

Do or try something you’ve always been curious about, but was afraid to do: Although the nation is starting to open up again, certain remaining restrictions and adopted practices make trying new things even more frightening then ever, especially if it’s something you feared you never had the proper time to invest in doing it.

On my end, there are three things: getting out, investing, and re-connecting.

Get Out: I like to think that the U.S. was fortunate that the pandemic made landfall as winter left and spring arrived (at least in the DC Metro area; cannot comment for areas like New York or the north). Having just moved my family from Herndon to the Fair Lakes area in Fairfax County, Virginia, there is much to be explored. And as we take the best precautions we can with our son and his compromised immune system, our new favorite thing is to go outside.

Whether your a casual walker or a serious runner–or used to be and have been wanting to return to it–now is the time to up the anti a bit and explore the gems of your community and surroundings. Find the nature trails, visit the parks or historic sites currently permissible by the restrictions. Regain a healthy connection with earth.

You can also try and do good while out on your walks through apps like Charity Miles to earn money for charities of your choosing.

Invest: As we hear about the global fears of returning to the solemn days of the Great Depression or the Great Recession, one would probably say “HELL NO!” to the thought of investing in the stock market.

However, if your financial situation while unemployed is cushioned enough in addition to filing for unemployment–as well as the stimulus legislation that have been pushed forward due to the high unemployment numbers–now is the best and rarest of all best times to invest in the market.

But be sure to research your options. There are many mobile investment apps today where you can invest without having to go through a broker, but some like Stash have unnecessary fees that add up with no actual return or unique service. There are also certain brokers that charge hefty fees for their services as well, in addition to more charges every time you make a trade of some sort.

Fidelity is a investment broker where the fees are as low as free, and apps like M1 Finance and Webull are free services relatively easy to use. Webull often has special promotions where you can literally earn free stock for doing things like transferring money over to referring others to the app.

As you research, I also recommend reading Rich Man, Poor Man by Robert Kiyosaki, as well as researched investment pieces on Vanguard and the Motley Fool. As a result of that research, the stocks that I’ve invested in since March are already up by over 30%.

Re-connect: The way our lives were before the pandemic–working long hours, exhausted from sunrise to sundown, looking towards the weekends five days each week–how often did we ever take time to reconnect with someone? To reach out to an estranged sibling, or a friends hiking across the country, your mother down the road or your family right in front of you?

When she was able to take a week off, my wife’s first task for that week was to go on a date with me. Here in Fairfax, Virginia, some places with outdoor seating were open for businesses, and we decided on trying  Ornery Beer Company for the first time, sharing a couple of decently sized appetizers and a couple of flights of Virginian craft beer.

This is something that’s really missing in our relationships today: sitting down together, sharing a meal, and actually having a conversation to completion. We are all so completely distracted with everything that is happening in our world–from politics to pandemics to the murder of George Floyd, and the real struggles in our own personal lives–that we are practically blinded from seeing the person in front of us, the people we care for the most.

I cannot think of a time any better for coming together than a time for social distancing to slow the spread of a virus.

A time, in our messed up world, where we need each other the most.